Q & A with Sr. Maria Cecilia Tuble on her depression and advocacy for mental health awareness

Global Sisters Report/Q & A/ by Ma. Ceres P. Doyo

Drawing from her personal battle with major depressive disorder, Cenacle Sr. Maria Cecilia "Cecille" Tuble now advocates for greater mental health awareness and help for people who are depressed and suicidal.

Cenacle Sr. Maria Cecilia Tuble. (Ma. Ceres P. Doyo)

Tuble, 50, recently completed her master's degree in theology at the Loyola School of Theology of the Jesuit-run Ateneo de Manila University in Quezon City. Her thesis, which dealt with depression, won the Best Thesis Award from the Ateneo School of Humanities and is the basis for her well-attended talks on depression at the Loyola School of Theology and the Ateneo de Manila University.

Tuble graduated cum laude with a bachelor's degree in humanities from the University of the Philippines Diliman. She entered the Congregation of Our Lady of the Cenacle in 1996.

Like most Cenacle sisters, Tuble gives retreats and spiritual direction. As current vocation and pre-novitiate director of the Cenacle Asia Region, she is involved in vocation activities and formation sessions.

In June, Tuble spoke at a forum called "Love Stronger than Death: A Theological Response to Suicide in Depression" at the Ateneo. In February, she tackled the same topic at the Loyola School of Theology.

Cenacle Sr. Maria Cecilia Tuble discusses the suicidal brain in a June 22 forum on a theological response to suicide and depression at Ateneo de Manila University. (Ma. Ceres P. Doyo)

Tuble examines theological and pastoral responses to suicide in the context of clinical depression. She explores the psychopathology of suicide, drawing from research in neuroscience and psychology. She brings up how the church regarded suicide throughout the centuries and offers a "contemporary moral approach."

The Philippines' Mental Health Act became a law last year, and Tuble said she hopes church and government can work together to promote mental health awareness and make mental health services more accessible.

GSR: How did clinical depression first manifest in your life and later when you were a religious?

Tuble: I was 13 years old when I had my first major depressive episode. The family doctor could not find anything physically wrong with me except my insomnia. He prescribed tranquilizers. I felt sad, hopeless, tearful most of the day for weeks. I felt crushed for no reason. My dad would drive me to school, and I couldn't bring myself to open the car door. I would end up on his office couch, curled up in a fetal position.

My second episode was after I had just made my first vows as a Cenacle sister. The depressed mood, the crying spells, the utter hopelessness, the insomnia returned with renewed force. At night, I would go inside my bedroom closet to cry because I was afraid the sisters would hear me.

Can you further describe depression as you and many experience it?

I couldn't sleep for weeks, and if I managed to sleep a little, I would wake up tired. I felt sad, empty, tired, hopeless. I had crying spells, mostly in the morning, or late at night. Everything was a burden, including eating. I hated myself. I wished I would just die. Nothing gave me pleasure — even compliments drove me to tears. It was so hard to concentrate because my mind was just a blurry, confused mix of negative thoughts. I felt isolated from everyone, even when others tried to help or cheer me up.

When did you realize that you needed professional help?

I did not receive any professional help in my first episode. I was too young, and my parents did not know anything about mood disorders. As for my second episode, my sister-formator suggested psychotherapy. I had intensive psychotherapy once or twice a week for three and a half years. Since psychotherapy dealt a lot with the unconscious, I can say that it radically transformed me. When I had my third episode, I returned to it, but my fourth episode was pretty bad. This time, I went to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed major depressive disorder and prescribed medication. All throughout, my community was a great source of care, help and support.

You spoke openly about your attempt to end your life. What prevented you, at the last minute, from carrying it out?

I suffered a severe major depressive episode in November 2014. I felt the world was immensely inhospitable, and life was drained of every joy and vitality. God was not so much distant as obscured by an impenetrable darkness, by an oppressive gray fog of despair that choked prayer into nothing but, "God, I want to die. Let me die." A detailed suicide plan was formulated, perversely, during my personal prayer time. The means were ready and accessible. The only thing that kept me from killing myself was the one question: "How can I do this to God, who has been so good to me?"

Months later, when everyone thought I was on the way to recovery, I had an episode of self-harm. I was immediately put on 24-hour suicide watch. However, later, my psychiatrist diagnosed it as non-suicidal self-injury.

Did you ever think religious life might have aggravated your depression?

I would have had this disorder whether or not I am in religious life. Whatever state of life I am in will have its attendant stressors. It is a matter of understanding and coping with it.

I am blessed with a loving, caring and supportive religious congregation that is au courant with the advances in psychology and medicine. They took my diagnosis in deep faith: caring for me when I could barely care for myself, taking over my responsibilities, and always holding out that firm hope for healing that strengthened me on the arduous road to recovery.

Being in vocation promotion and spiritual formation, what insights do you bring into the work that would help people suffering from depression, grief or loss?

The most important insight, borne not only from my own personal journey but from the experiences of people I minister to, is the profound conviction that God has never left anyone to suffer alone. The utter faithfulness and abiding love of God, even in the face of deep suffering such as depression, grief or loss, is ultimately that which heals us and restores us to wholeness.

Would you say that depression among religious is largely hidden or undiagnosed? Should it be equated with the so-called "dark night of the soul"?

There is a wide spectrum of responses to depression among religious. On one hand, there is the misconception that depression is a sign of a lack of faith, a personal failure in praying. On the other hand, there is also a growing awareness that depression is a mental illness that needs medical intervention.

It is difficult to distinguish clearly between depression and the "dark night of the soul" because they are like two prisms or perspectives refracting the light of very similar subjective experiences. Depression affects prayer. The emotional closeness to God, the clarity of purpose that one enjoys in spiritual consolation are diminished or even taken away by depression. Thus, very often, the one who suffers from depression also suffers from a "dark night of the soul." However, this does not mean that everyone who experiences a "dark night of the soul" is clinically depressed.

Besides medical intervention and psychotherapy, what are your personal ways of dealing with depression?

I make physical exercise an essential part of my schedule. I try to get sunshine every day because it uplifts mood and improves sleep. Meditation and mindfulness exercises also help. I practice EFT, Emotional Freedom Techniques, when I have strong negative feelings. Acupuncture helps alleviate depression. Most important of all, I pray every day. No matter what my mood is or how my day went, prayer reminds me that I belong completely to God, and therefore that all shall be well.

Sr. Maria Cecilia Tuble, second from left, with her Cenacle community in Metro Manila. "My community was a great source of help, care and support. ... [It] is au courant with the advances in psychology and medicine," Tuble said. (Courtesy of the Congregation of Our Lady of the Cenacle)

In your personal experience, how does prayer, faith or religion help?

Numerous studies have shown the importance of faith: religious coping protects against suicidality, while religious struggle aggravates suicidal ideation. This means that the kind of faith you have matters. Religion that promotes a distorted image of God as punishing, distant, uncaring or tyrannical can aggravate depression and suicidality while religious belief and conviction that God is love gives the depressed person the faith to hang on to life — and God — no matter what. This I have personally experienced: Without faith, which is a gift from God, I would have ended my life when I was in deep despair.

What is the contemporary moral approach to suicide that you promote?

In my thesis, I simply traced the historical development of the church's stance on suicide and how it has now come to a place of compassion in dealing with suicide. The church now distinguishes between moral judgment on the act of suicide and the person who completes suicide. The act of suicide remains objectively, morally wrong, and this moral judgment applies even to people who are mentally ill. However, the church now acknowledges that mental illness is most often associated with suicide, and therefore the person's responsibility is diminished. Now, the church prays for those who have taken their own lives and offers compassion to those who struggle with mental illness and those bereaved because of suicide.

In your talks, you have dissected depression skillfully and compassionately. How has this helped in your own personal healing?

I needed to make sense of my experience, to understand this mental illness as much as I can, in order to have some measure of control over it. By understanding how it works in my brain, by recognizing its symptoms, dynamics and what my triggers are and knowing what could help, then I could learn to live more peaceably with it. Understanding gives way to acceptance, and acceptance deepens understanding and enables me to be more compassionate with myself. This self-compassion is perhaps the biggest sign of healing for me.

[Ma. Ceres P. Doyo is a journalist in the Philippines.]

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No to China 'smart cities' on our islets

Philippine Daily Inquirer/OPINION/by Ma. Ceres P. Doyo

 

August being Buwan ng Wika (National Language Month), I am using a second byline written in “baybayin,” one of several writing systems used by our ancestors before the age of colonization that nearly obliterated many of our ancient practices and bodies of knowledge.

 

At last, at last, the China-enamored Duterte administration might be waking up (is it?) to the reality that China’s “slow-by-slow” takeover of territories we claim as ours is indeed happening, if not becoming alarming.

Different from outright intrusions/seizures/takeovers as what happened in several areas in the West Philippine Sea, the Chinese from mainland China are eyeing with beady eyes several islands that are not in so-called disputed waters, but islands that are in fact on the Philippine land map—this time, not by actual seizure but in the guise of business and development.

Last May, I did write about this worrisome development (“Chinese takeover of Fuga Island?” 5/09/2019) in this space after I read a joyous-sounding announcement in the Cagayan Economic Zone Authority (Ceza) website that said: “Chinese firm invests $2B on Cagayan isle.”

That “Cagayan isle” is Fuga Island, located north of mainland Luzon, that could become an exclusive domain of China, its special enclave and playground, a dream isle of Chinese investors and more. I did say that without our knowing it, the island could slowly slip away from us, be lost forever and become a forbidden “smart city” for Filipinos.

 

A dystopian scenario? Not at all. But I thought it was a lost cause and was about to raise my hands in surrender.

Then, two days ago, the Inquirer bannered: “Chinese investors target 3 PH islands.” It was an alarum. The story was by Frances Mangosing. The Chinese investors were not only targeting Fuga Island, but also Grande and Chiquita Islands in Zambales. These places “are to be developed into economic and tourism zones as part of China’s Belt and Road initiative, raising concerns among Philippine security officials,” the page 1 blurb said.

That gave me a joskolord moment. Alarmed, I thought of Palaui Island off Cagayan and some other outlying islands that we could lose. And whyever not?

The supposed $2-billion “smart city” on Fuga Island was to be constructed under a memorandum of understanding between the Ceza and the Xiamen-based Fong Zhi Enterprise Corp.

 

Fuga Island is part of the Babuyan group of islands that lies between Cagayan province and the Batanes group of islands. Fuga is part of the mainland town of Aparri, Cagayan, while the rest in the Babuyan group belong to the island town of Calayan. Fuga is now a coveted place because of its proximity to Sta. Ana, Cagayan, where Ceza is.

 

The Ceza announcement said: “Secretary Raul Lambino, Ceza administrator and chief executive officer, said the project would be patterned after the firm’s ongoing mega-infrastructure project in Fujian province in China. The investment is part of $3.9 (billion) worth of commitment investments made at the sidelines of the recently concluded 2nd Belt and Road Initiative Forum in Beijing.”On the other hand, Chiquita and Grande Islands, the Inquirer story said, served as key defenses of Spain and the United States during their years as colonizers.

 

Now that alarm bells have been rung, there seems to be a turnaround. Navy officials are concerned. Even Defense Secretary Delfin Lorenzana said his office had not been consulted on the security implications of such “Chinese investment.”

 

“Investment” it is, indeed, not only of the business kind, but an investment that is more alarming. National Security Adviser Hermogenes Esperon Jr. has been busy and pettily charging two religious sisters and other human rights workers with perjury. Why doesn’t he train his energies instead on the islands that the Chinese are eyeing to turn into “smart cities”? He should begin to spell and pronounce the word “sinofication.”

 

S-I-N-O-F-I-C-A-T-I-O-N. Will our senators find it in themselves to look into this matter of national concern? #

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A conjuring

Philippine Daily Inquirer/OPINION/by Ma. Ceres P. Doyo

 

There was a movie titled “The Conjuring” that had paranormal investigators and demonologists delving into strange phenomena and other events that bordered on the macabre. A horror movie, in other words.

 

The recent spate of killings in Negros Oriental (at least 14 at last count) is one such horror movie playing out in real life. One of the victims is lawyer Anthony Trinidad, brother of former Inquirer reporter Andrea Trinidad.

And just as chilling, if not terrifying, is the series of cases conjured up and filed against persons daring to speak out against, or even just constructively criticize or remind, the Duterte administration about excesses particularly in the human rights department.

Creepy and unnerving, they feed on people’s primal fears that fester when the street lights are dim and with the roar of motorcycles with masked men riding in tandem.

 

Sutokil, not as the Visayans say of their favorite repast, but of the guns-for-hire on wheels who leave pools of blood as they speed away.

 

To conjure up means “to summon into action or bring into existence, often as if by magic.” To invoke, call forth, put forward, arouse, evoke, stir, raise. The word itself conjures up images of something unprecedented, surprising, as in “What?” In Pinoy textspeak, “Anyare?”

Take the case of Sister Elenita Belardo of the Religious of the Good Shepherd, chair of the Rural Missionaries of the Philippines (RMP), and Sister Emma Cupin of the Missionary Sisters of Mary and coordinator of RMP-North Mindanao.

 

On May 6, RMP, along with Gabriela and Karapatan, filed a petition for writs of amparo and habeas data with the Supreme Court. The writ of amparo has to do with human rights violations and seeking protection for human rights defenders.

 

The petition partly said: “Petitioners’ rights to life, liberty and security are being violated and continue to be violated. This petition invokes the jurisdiction and power of this Honorable Court to issue these protective writs in favor of Petitioners who are constantly threatened and harassed, red-tagged and maliciously terrorist-labeled only because of their advocacies in various fields of human rights work…

 

“Petitioners are likewise asking the Honorable Court to compel Respondents, under the writ of habeas data, to produce and, if necessary, to update and rectify, or to suppress and destroy, data and information filed in their possession, under their control or contained in their database that relate to or which concern Petitioners.”

 

The Supreme Court sent the petition to the Court of Appeals, which tossed it away. Another petition is being prepared.

Shortly after, National Security Adviser Hermogenes Esperon Jr., one of the more than a dozen government officials named in the petition, filed a perjury case against the officers of RMP, nuns Belardo and Cupin, as well as the officers of the two other groups.

 

By the looks of it, the perjury case stems from the RMP petitioners supposedly not having read the truth of their allegations — and their status? Esperon  et al. did some explorations and checked RMP’s registration with the Securities and Exchange Commission and found it had been revoked at one time.

 

But RMP, Belardo says, had in fact reregistered and religiously filed reports thereafter, and there was never any notice that their reregistration was either denied or accepted.

That is the butas (hole) that led to the perjury case. Perjury has to do with lying.

 

As to the allegations that RMP funds help communist rebels, Belardo says the European Union office recently conducted an audit and found nothing irregular.

 

Therefore, the red-tagging and threats from government officials that necessitated the filing of a petition for a writ of amparo or protection for human rights defenders resulted instead in a backlash in the form of a perjury case.

 

But why perjury? Esperon, sir, you know better.

 

Today, at 9 a.m., the preliminary investigation on the perjury case will be conducted at the Office of the City Prosecutor in Quezon City.

 

Conjuring also fits the case filed against lawyers, church officials, bishops among them, and Vice President Leni Robredo — all accused of having coddled the “Bikoy” character who ratted on the alleged drug connections of President Duterte’s family but, expectedly, later changed his tune. Now coddled by government agents, he’s been singing since. #

 

 

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