Weaving meaning into loss

Sunday Inquirer Magazine/FEATURES/By Ma. Ceres P. Doyo

JOY and hope. These a mother continues to weave into the fabric of her life even after a loss that tore into her heart. She wears them like the bright shawls of silk that she fashions from nature's looms.

Rather than dwell in the abyss of grief and sorrow, Jean Margaret ?Jeannie? Lim Goulbourn decided to put meaning into her daughter?s life and death and, by so doing, help those who find themselves on the verge of a similar tragedy.

But it took time for her to gather strength and focus on something that would make sense of the tragedy that shook her family to the core. ?No one ever totally recovers from this,? Jeannie muses of her daughter?s death.

What makes the difference is this woman?s will to work it out and joyfully rise above it.

A former fashion model known for her distinct oriental look, Jeannie is also a noted fashion designer, entrepreneur (Silk Cocoon) and now a passionate health and nutrition advocate (Global Vital Source). She is wife to Canadian Sydney Goulbourn and mother of two beautiful and talented daughters, Katrina and Natasha. Close-knit and happy, the Goulbourns were not prepared for the pain that slammed into their life in 2002.

Jeannie recounts that Natasha, then suffering from depression, was being given a cocktail of medication by her doctor. The lethal dose ended her life on May 23, 2002 at the age of 27.

At the time of her death, Natasha had just finished working with an international fashion company in Hong Kong and was going into her own product line. There was a lot going for her. Her international education and travels had exposed her to enriching opportunities. She had a very supportive family.

"She and her sister Katrina were very close," Jeannie says. ?They were born 15 months apart. They were like twins."

Jeannie would rather not dwell on the details of Natasha?s passing, as per her daughter?s wishes communicated to her vicariously. The Goulbourns grieved Natasha's passing as a family but each one grieved in his/her own way. A mother?s pain of loss is like no other. Jeannie searched for answers. And, to her surprise and comfort, she found some. Natasha provided them, she adds.

"Several weeks after Natasha died, our family and close friends went back to Puerto Galera where we last spent a beautiful weekend together," Jeannie recalls. On their return trip to Batangas port, all Jeannie wanted was a sign that would tell her where Natasha was. Natasha loved dolphins so Jeannie asked to be shown dolphins, with their number signifying where her daughter was. They all got on a boat to scour the open seas.

Lo and behold, a pod of dolphins suddenly showed up. Not five, not 10, but more than a hundred of them jumping, dancing and prancing to the delight of everyone. Even the boatmen were amazed at what they saw, they had never witnessed anything like it, Jeannie recounts. "I knelt and grabbed my rosary and promised to serve the Lord in this mission through the Natasha Goulbourn Foundation."

There were other signs after that. Jeannie went to Hong Kong to visit Natasha's favorite haunts and as she was entering the lobby of the Hyatt hotel she heard strains of her daughter's favorite tunes being played as if on cue. "Moon River, March of the Siamese Children and Fur Elise," Jeannie recalls.

Later, Jeannie would receive an unusual gift from a friend that would lead her to a medium based in London through whom, she says, Natasha communicated with her. "Natasha said she owed Peter, her flatmate in Hong Kong, two weeks' rent and that I should pay him." How the medium could have known that, Jeannie could only wonder. "Through another medium she told me I would save five lives. And through the help of Dr. Rene Yat, I did!"

Jeannie can now bravely look back and share her observations. "I remember Natasha was not sleeping well and was losing weight. But she seemed happy and was very focused on her work. Or maybe she was a very good actress. Then she broke up with her boyfriend."

Jeannie describes Natasha as happy, gregarious and friendly. "Then I observed how her personality changed after she started taking medication. We had her see a psychiatrist who gave her anti-depressants. She did tell us that there was something about the medication, that she felt funny and lightheaded. Her perception of reality changed. She had mood swings, she avoided crowds." These were warning signs.

Three months later, Natasha was gone. "It was a case of wrong medication and overmedication," Jeannie says firmly. "Through the medium, Natasha said she does not remember how it happened and that we should not sue the doctor. But how many lives under his care had been lost? A year and a half later, the doctor took his own life."

Jeannie insists that anti-depressant drugs should carry strong warnings. "In America, there is a warning on the package and in ads, saying that anti-depressants increase the risk of suicidal thoughts and behavior. Patients need heavy monitoring." She strongly suggests that a patient taking such drugs should have notarized written instructions for responsible persons to take over when the patient is not in a proper mental state.

"According to statistics, less than 30 percent of those taking anti-depressants get better, but a local psychiatrist admitted that it could only be 10 percent effective. In the end, talk therapy and family support are most helpful."

Jeannie is not totally anti-medication, but she is becoming increasingly biased for proper nutrition and exercise to enhance one?s physical and mental state. These she advocates through her wellness company. "There are new accepted modalities such as hypnosis, acupuncture and energy healing," she informs.

In 2007, the Goulbourn family set up the Natasha Goulbourn Foundation (NGF), whose chief aim is "bringing depression to light.? NGF aims ?to share with the world the need for education and information on depression" what it is, what causes it, how to manage it and how to heal from it.? Depression can be treated and those afflicted must seek the correct help. Suicide, NGF strongly reminds, should not be an option.

NGF has linked up with UGAT, In Touch Community Services and Dial-a-Friend, that provide hotlines for those seeking help.

"Depression is highly treatable and curable," Jeannie says. "It is not insanity. We must remove the stigma." She wants to see NGF reach out to corporations, schools, communities, OFWs and their families. "We have a team of lecturers who can speak on wholeness, on how to achieve spiritual, emotional and physical well-being."

Jeannie adds: "Scientists have discovered that hormone-enhanced meat, vegetables sprayed with pesticides and chemical fertilizers are some factors that cause chemical imbalance in the brain."

In this season of remembering, Jeannie?s thoughts constantly turn to Natasha. ?My faith was shaken. This girl had a lot of dreams for the poor, the sick and the aged. She had a clear purpose. How could we allow these to go to waste? But there is a reason for everything. Natasha was really on loan to us, and she had a purpose."#

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Very low fertility in Asia: A Study

Philippine Daily Inquirer/OPINION/by Ma. Ceres P. Doyo

WHILE THERE is an urgent need and reason to manage the Philippines’ galloping population increase in relation to the country’s economic ability/inability to provide quality life for the teeming millions who live in penury, there is also reason to pause a while and look at what is happening to our wealthy Asian neighbors.

The current issues on reproductive health and population control have triggered acrimonious debates between the pro- and the anti-RH bill, between the Church hierarchy and the sponsors of the bill and among citizens of various persuasions and religious beliefs. The arguments from different sides have been exhausted and presented. What is ahead for us?

A recent study on fertility problems in Asia released by the East-West Center is worth looking into. The study, “Very Low Fertility in Asia: Is There a Problem? Can It Be Solved?” was done by Sidney B. Westley, Minja Kim Choe and Robert D. Retherford and released a few months ago.

The East-West Center is a US-based “independent, non-profit organization with funding from the US government and additional support from private agencies, individuals, corporations and governments in the (Asia-Pacific) region.” Founded 50 years ago in 1960, the center is on the University of Hawaii campus in Honolulu. Hundreds of Filipinos have passed through its portals. (I was an East-West Center journalism fellow.)

The summary of the study on fertility says: “Fifty years ago, women in Asia were having, on average, more than five children each, and there was widespread fear of a ‘population explosion’ in the region. Then the birth rates began to fall—in several countries more steeply than anyone had anticipated. This unexpected trend has now raised concerns about the social and economic impact of extremely low fertility.

“Today, four of Asia’s most prosperous economies—Japan, Singapore, South Korea and Taiwan—have among the lowest birth rates in the world. With women having, on average, only one child each, these societies have expanding elderly populations and a shrinking workforce to pay for social services and drive economic growth.”

The study asks: Why are women choosing to have so few children? How are policymakers responding to these trends? What is the effect of government efforts to encourage marriage and childbearing?

I quote the stark prediction: “Given current social and economic trends, it is unlikely that Asia’s steep fertility decline will be reversed, at least not in the foreseeable future.”

Just a little note: “Fertility decline” almost sounds as if the women in those countries suddenly became infertile because of some clinical maladies triggered by a nuclear fall-out, a deadly epidemic, computer radiation or something. What the study simply means is that women (men should be faulted as well) choose not to bear children or bear only so few. This is not about clogged fallopian tubes or low sperm count.

As a Filipino, my reflex reaction would be to say that given our own unabated population increase, we could easily supply these “infertile” countries with man/womanpower. In fact, we are already doing that. Not because we are concerned about their vanishing population but because Filipinos continue to populate the earth with wild abandon and need to survive.

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Very low fertility in Asia: A Study

Philippine Daily Inquirer/OPINION/by Ma. Ceres P. Doyo

WHILE THERE is an urgent need and reason to manage the Philippines’ galloping population increase in relation to the country’s economic ability/inability to provide quality life for the teeming millions who live in penury, there is also reason to pause a while and look at what is happening to our wealthy Asian neighbors.

The current issues on reproductive health and population control have triggered acrimonious debates between the pro- and the anti-RH bill, between the Church hierarchy and the sponsors of the bill and among citizens of various persuasions and religious beliefs. The arguments from different sides have been exhausted and presented. What is ahead for us?

A recent study on fertility problems in Asia released by the East-West Center is worth looking into. The study, “Very Low Fertility in Asia: Is There a Problem? Can It Be Solved?” was done by Sidney B. Westley, Minja Kim Choe and Robert D. Retherford and released a few months ago.

The East-West Center is a US-based “independent, non-profit organization with funding from the US government and additional support from private agencies, individuals, corporations and governments in the (Asia-Pacific) region.” Founded 50 years ago in 1960, the center is on the University of Hawaii campus in Honolulu. Hundreds of Filipinos have passed through its portals. (I was an East-West Center journalism fellow.)

The summary of the study on fertility says: “Fifty years ago, women in Asia were having, on average, more than five children each, and there was widespread fear of a ‘population explosion’ in the region. Then the birth rates began to fall—in several countries more steeply than anyone had anticipated. This unexpected trend has now raised concerns about the social and economic impact of extremely low fertility.

“Today, four of Asia’s most prosperous economies—Japan, Singapore, South Korea and Taiwan—have among the lowest birth rates in the world. With women having, on average, only one child each, these societies have expanding elderly populations and a shrinking workforce to pay for social services and drive economic growth.”

The study asks: Why are women choosing to have so few children? How are policymakers responding to these trends? What is the effect of government efforts to encourage marriage and childbearing?

I quote the stark prediction: “Given current social and economic trends, it is unlikely that Asia’s steep fertility decline will be reversed, at least not in the foreseeable future.”

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The sex life of the urban poor (2)

Philippine Daily Inquirer/OPINION/by Ma. Ceres P. Doyo

I DIDN’T expect lots of e-mail for a feature story I wrote 20 years ago and which I recycled and compressed for this column (last week and now) in the context of the ongoing recycled debate on reproductive health.

Those who want to read my entire magazine piece (“Just a few meters of loving space,” Sunday Inquirer Magazine, Nov. 26, 1990) from which this column piece was recycled could go to my blogsite. I will post it there. It’s also in my book “Journalist in Her Country” which is out of print. I went over the entire piece and realized it would need to be serialized in three columns. But as I said last week, two columns and no more. I also removed some graphic scenes. Deleted portions include sociological observations by professor Michael Tan (before he became an Inquirer columnist).

(Continued from last week)


Carlito Martes, 38, and wife Teresita, 37, have been married 18 years. They have six children, aged 18 to 2. Laking Maynila, the couple started married life with an elopement. They now live in the Leveriza slums. Carlito works as a mason, Teresita as a laundry woman. She is a member of Alay Kapwa, a community cooperative.

The family’s abode, 20 square meters, hardly gives anyone privacy. And with so many children around, the couple had to make a “papag” practically in mid-air, a “mezzanine” that functioned as their bed. For some reason, that “papag” had to be removed. “Walang papag, dieta,” quips Carlito, adding that sometimes they forget to have sex. “Nakakalimutan na rin.” Once a month is how regular it is and because there’s no more papag they have to have sex in a rush—“baka may magising.” When he’s had some drinks, then “doon ko lang ginagalaw.” Because there’s hardly enough space, fancy positions are out. “Pang-prostitute lang daw yun,” Teresita quotes Carlito.

“I used an IUD (intraurine device) for nine years,” Teresita reveals. But twice she had infections because of it. She resorted to the pill, but after experiencing dizzy spells she stopped taking it. After nine years she gave birth again—to twins.

“We’ve never had a time to go out and be by ourselves,” complains Teresita.

“Mabubuhay ka ba ng puro ganun,” Maria Cabello repeatedly points her finger downward, “kung ang tiyan ay kukulo-kulo?” Maria is a full-time housewife while her husband Diosdado is a photographer at the Manila Zoo. He charges P20 per shot, P10 of which goes to him, the other P10 to the laboratory men. The Cabellos, both in their late 30s, have four children aged 16 to 11. The couple did not finish high school.

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The sex life of the urban poor (1)

Philippine Daily Inquirer/OPINION/by Ma. Ceres P. Doyo

TWO DECADES ago, I did a feature story for the Sunday Inquirer Magazine on the sex life of the urban poor, titled “A few meters of loving space.” It was based on my interviews with couples living in blighted, depressed areas of Manila. The story was illustrated by Inquirer cartoonist Jess Abrera (done in semi-abstract, okay?).

There was a debate at that time on family planning methods and reproductive health. Today, several millions of babies later, the debate rages again. In this context, I bring out compressed excerpts (for just two columns instead of three) from that feature for your enlightenment, if not for your entertainment:

When I asked her how couples can be intimate in such a congested setting, the woman gave out a throaty laugh. “Ah, wala nang pa-tumbling-tumbling pa. Deretso na kaagad para makaraos.” She sounded almost casual.

“You know,” she added, “you are the second person to ask me that. The first one was a Belgian woman who came to see how we lived.”

After she had unraveled her personal life, we talked about urban congestion and its effects on people. Of course I had to inquire about the slum dwellers’ private lives but only after we had discussed their food and wages, their dilapidated homes, their religious faith and political views, their coping abilities, even their toilet habits.

Some nights, the woman said, when every single one in her multi-family household was at home, their two-story patchwork structure would be packed to the corners with steaming horizontal bodies in deep slumber. In the heat of the night, when she lay awake, she would feel movements and hear muted sounds. “Alam ko na kung ano yun. Naiintindihan ko,” she said rather solemnly.

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From vulnerability to empowerment

Philippine Daily Inquirer/OPINION/by Ma. Ceres P. Doyo

BEING A storyteller myself, I read with interest the stories told by individuals who were witnesses to and participants in the transformation of communities. Ten little stories, but each of them spoke of hope despite seeming hopelessness, of how people could exceed the limits and go beyond limitations because they believed in themselves and their dreams.

Clueless, frustrated or despondent local government officials could take a cue or two from these community experiences. But I am getting ahead of the story.

A few days ago the World Bank (WB) Group in the Philippines held a Forum on Community-Driven Development where it announced the approval of $59.1 million additional financing for community-driven development projects in the Philippines. This amount will expand the Kapit-bisig Laban sa Kahirapan-Comprehensive and Integrated Delivery of Social Services (Kalahi-Cidss) projects. Kalahi-Cidss empowers local communities in targeted poor areas to achieve improved access to basic public services and to participate in more inclusive local planning and budgeting.

Kalahi-Cidss has been implemented by the Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD) since 2002 and, according to a WB report, has benefited 1.1 million households in 4,229 barangays in the country’s poorest provinces. Social Welfare Secretary Dinky Soliman who spoke at the forum had only good words for Kalahi-Cidss which she had been involved in even during her previous incarnation as secretary, that is, in a past administration.

Said Soliman: “When local residents come together to discuss their own problems and find solutions to these common challenges, programs and projects are sustained and implemented effectively and in the most transparent manner.” Note the word transparent.

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