From `the abyss of sorrow’

A contemplative nun (pen name: Sr. Hyacinth Carmeli) sent her journal on the suicide of her brother Eugene (his real name) after she read something we wrote that resonated with her pain. With the permission of Sr. Hyacinth and other persons concerned, we are sharing excerpts from the journal. This, she said, is her way of reaching out. She can be contacted through this column.

This Holy Week, it behooves us to enter into the pain of others so that we may know and understand.

``Today I bow my head before my brother as almost nine years ago, he put the thick yellow nylon cord around his neck and took hold of the beam. I believe God had tears too as He waited for Eugene because He knew more than anybody else how he had suffered in this life. He cried with Eugene, He cried with me. I believe God is a God who walks with us and never abandons us in all the deepest sorrows of our heart. He feels our pain acutely more than we can ever feel it. But in the beginning these thoughts never entered my heart and if they did, I did not believe a single word of it. I was not ready to listen then.

``I talk to my brother again today in the midst of tears. I have somehow anticipated this sadness as his birthday approaches. It was on his sixth memorial day that I finally told him that it was okay for him to have left....

``There is now a glimmer of acceptance in me. Was he right or wrong? There is no answer. It was too dark for my brother to see, he was in too deep a pit to reach out to all those who wanted to clasp his trembling hands. I believe my brother struggled deeply but his gentle fragile little spirit was already shattered to pieces and never had the chance to get healed in this world. He fought hard and hurt us immensely in the process because he needed us to have a glimpse of his pains and the horrendous howling within.

``Broken glasses, broken hearts. We were afraid of him, of his violence. He, on his part, was intensely afraid of life that kept wounding him. Maybe Eugene battled with an undiagnosed mental illness, maybe he had a bipolar problem aggravated by his chemical dependence, maybe he was destroyed by our painful family life beginning with the fatal shooting of our policeman father when he was only 11. Maybe life was just plain cruel to him.

``I, the sister next to him, saw the brother with a fragile heart, the little boy who went to battle alone, the child who wore a heavy armor and never returned. I saw a little boy who turned into an old tired man. He grappled with life’s complexities alone as he alienated himself more and more. Eugene took refuge in alcohol and drugs to maybe numb himself and pretend that nothing was wrong. But instead of silencing the noise, it trapped him in a long filthy tunnel where no light could reach him. It was the beginning of his many deaths within and the darkest times of our life as a family.

``I remember when I would visit him in the rehabilitation center. He looked happy and filled with hope. I was there every week, forcing myself not to cry as I saw him going out of the building with his shaved head and exhausted look. But he gained weight and was smiling. I thought that was the beginning of a new life. Sadly, people failed to support him when he tried his best to start anew.

``In my heart he remained the brother I knew before the darkness in his mind took over. I held on to the belief that the problem was not his chemical dependency but the very huge hole in his heart.

``A series of major losses including the sudden death of his infant first-born son on a bus while they were on their way home from the province, his separation from his wife, his difficulty in finishing his studies, my entering the convent, and finally the news that his wife was already living with another man took a heavy toll on what was left of his desire to survive life. The horrendous howling within him was too much for him to bear. He went to see a shrink and had to take medicines but it was too late. It was time to take off the heavy armor as the warrior chose to quit and walked away filled with deep sorrow for the battles he knew he could not win.

``On July 25, 1999, the tired old man of 28 closed the window…No letter, no goodbye, nothing. I believe that Eugene was ill, that he was emotionally crippled to choose life. No one `freely’ chooses suicide. My brother was free to choose life but he did not, maybe because he was already dead long before he killed himself. We lost him way back before he decided to end his pain.

``I now accept his death. I stand before him holding the nylon cord and bow my head in utter acceptance and surrender...In honoring his life, I honor the battles he fought all by himself and the endless tears he shed that he tried so hard to hide. I bow my head in gratitude to God for giving him to me as my brother. Eugene will always be a part of my life.

``The myth that it could have been prevented had we done more and been there at the right time tormented me immensely. The need to understand and have all the answers had to go gradually before the little piece of light allowed me to hope and firmly believe that there is still life after the death of a loved one through suicide.

``A great part of my brother’s short life allowed me to penetrate the abyss of sorrow a human heart can experience. It made me dwell in a land of darkness where I never dared imagine I could enter. ``It’s really a mystery--why he was not graced with the same Light that I encountered and continue to encounter, but I know this is just my own thinking. God deals with each of us differently. God’s seeming absence in his life does not necessarily imply that he was not there.

``Eugene’s life and death invited me to a deeper understanding of my own pilgrimage in life. I started to question deeply what life really means for me and where I am going. I don’t believe in suicide but Eugene does not need my opinion on this, he just wants me to continue loving him and being his sister all my life.

``Suicide wounds never heal but the pain changes. There is a distinct difference now but I cannot claim that I am completely out of it. But in my heart I know the sun is beginning to shine again. God is with us today and always.’’